When you get married, your hope is that you and your spouse will treat each other like equals. But that doesn’t always end up being the case.
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Recently, Nicole from Cincinnati called into The Ramsey Show to ask for advice about her marriage. She asked co-hosts Jade Warshaw and Rachel Cruze, "How do I get my husband to honor the financial commitment that we made together as newlyweds?"
Nicole explained that her husband does not give her access to their bank accounts. “He’s CashApping me,” she complained, as a means of giving her money on an as-needed basis.
Not surprisingly, Warshaw and Cruze were quick to point out how troubling that is. And they also had some strong words for Nicole to take to heart.
When you’re not treated as a financial partner
Nicole and her husband have been married for 10 years. But after all this time, he won’t combine finances. Worse yet, he won’t even share the details of his finances.
As a stay-at-home mom, that makes her uncomfortable. There’s also a 25-year age difference between Nicole and her husband, who works in sales at what she assumes is a $100,000 annual salary. Since she doesn’t see his pay stubs or direct deposits, she can’t know for sure.
Nicole has offered to go back to work, which her husband doesn’t seem to want. Rather, he seems content being the one to work as long as he can control the money.
Nicole explained that while they have a joint checking account, her husband has a savings account his checks get direct-deposited into. He then transfers money to Nicole on an as-needed basis, and she can’t access that savings account.
"There’s just part of this that feels really controlling," said Warshaw. "He’s the one that gets the control."
"You don’t have autonomy to make decisions," said Cruze.
Nicole explained that her husband had two past marriages that he says didn’t end well financially. That’s what’s driving his behavior, according to him.
Cruze, however, insisted that Nicole and her spouse should have equal say on financial matters. She also said their issue goes beyond logistics — it’s a matter of commitment.
"My red flags go up for you," said Cruze. “What if something does go south, you’re the one that gets screwed Nicole.”
Warshaw suggested that Nicole and her spouse go to counseling to try to work through their issues. But she also said that Nicole needs to demand to have their banking passwords at the very least so she can pay bills on her own and not have to be reliant on her husband for every little thing.
Given their age gap, it’s not inconceivable that Nicole might outlive her husband. If he doesn’t share financial information with her, she won’t be equipped to pay bills when he’s gone, or to know what her financial reality will be during her own later years.
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The hidden costs of being financially locked out by a spouse
Having your spouse control all of your finances isn’t just demeaning. It could also put you in a seriously unfavorable situation, especially if you’re a stay-at-home parent who doesn’t earn an income and spends many years outside of the labor force.
First, if something happens to your spouse and you can’t access your accounts, you won’t be able to pay your bills. That could mean losing your home, car, or other assets with a secured loan attached to them.
Second, if you have joint bills but you can’t get access to your money to pay them, your credit score could take a serious dive. From there, you might struggle to borrow money when you need to.
Even if all of your bills are in your spouse’s name, that’s not great, either. Not having bills in your name could make it difficult to build a credit history, which could also hurt your chances of being able to borrow money when the need arises.
In 2022, Experian reported that 28 million Americans are credit invisible, meaning they don’t have a credit history. You don’t want to be part of that statistic.
Also, if you don’t have access to your financial accounts like Nicole, you risk being left in the lurch in the event of a divorce. If you aren’t aware of the assets you have, you can’t claim a legal right to them if you and your spouse split and they try to hide them. Plus, if you don’t have access to money in your name, you’re going to have a difficult time paying for a divorce lawyer.
When you turn 62, you may be able to claim spousal benefits from Social Security if you were married for 10 years or longer. With spousal benefits, you could get a monthly check from Social Security worth up to 50% of your ex-spouse’s benefit.
However, that probably won’t be enough to pay your expenses. And if you don’t have a work history, it means you’re unlikely to have much in the way of personal retirement savings.
Nicole is unfortunately not alone. A Northwestern Mutual study found that only 43% of American women feel financially secure, compared to 59% of men. Just 44% believe they’ll be ready for retirement, compared to 61% of men.
If you’re married and stay home with your kids, it’s important to have control over your household finances in the same way that your spouse does. Not only should you know what your bills and income look like, but you should have access to bank accounts and investment accounts, too.
Plus, if you own a home, your name should be on the deed and title. Similarly, the car you drive should be in your name, too.
Allowing yourself to be kept in the dark only puts you at risk. It’s important to have those conversations with your spouse so you’re not left scrambling if something happens to them, or if your marriage goes awry.
WomensLaw.org also warns women in long term relationships about financial abuse. They have a list of signs to look out for.
They count a partner who makes you feel as though you don’t have a right to know any details about money or household resources, puts you on an allowance even if you object, makes you account for all your spending, and prevents you from working as potentially abusive.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
