It’s not all that uncommon to focus on full-time studies while attending college. After all, many college students are often fresh out of high school and are still teenagers when their college studies begin.
Focusing on work and building a career isn’t exactly something these students need to prioritize, at least not for a few years. But unfortunately for Derek from Salt Lake City, his girlfriend is not one of these students.
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Derek recently called into The Ramsey Show to talk about his girlfriend, who’s 26 years old and has been in college for eight years completing her bachelor’s degree. Derek’s girlfriend has an interesting arrangement with her parents where they pay for her living expenses as long as she’s in school.
This, as you might imagine, has Derek very concerned.
When your partner refuses to grow up
Ramsey Show co-hosts George Kamel and Rachel Cruze told Derek he has every right to be concerned about his relationship, given his girlfriend’s apparent reluctance to get out into the real world and hold down a job.
Not only do the girlfriend’s parents pay all of her bills, they also have the same deal with her two older brothers, who are 29 and 31 years old and still in school. Derek recently learned that the brothers have never worked, which is what drove him to call in asking for help.
Derek’s been with his girlfriend for about a year and they’re starting to talk about marriage and finances, but he doesn’t have high hopes given her attitude toward working. When Kamel heard about the girlfriend’s arrangement with her parents, he was shocked.
"Hey parents, let this be your memo: don’t do this, ever," he said. Meanwhile, Cruze asked Derek point blank, "does she feel like a winner to you?"
Derek had no choice but to admit to his worries — that his girlfriend will stay in school indefinitely so her parents can continue to cover her lifestyle, and that she won’t be willing to work once they’re married.
Derek, meanwhile, works full-time, has a stable job and is debt-free, so he’s presumably in a good place financially. He did ask his girlfriend to get a part-time job to see if she was willing to put in some effort, but it didn’t seem like she was.
"There’s no initiative at all in who she is," said Cruze in response. "It’s not a lot of attractive qualities."
Kamel, on the other hand, was still shocked by what he was hearing from Derek. "I don’t even know how you drag out a bachelor’s degree for eight years," said Kamel.
In the end, both Kamel and Cruze told Derek to consider ending the relationship if his girlfriend refuses to grow up. "There’s a level of resilience you want in a partner," said Cruze.
Derek said he’s willing to give his girlfriend one final opportunity to get a job. If she’s willing, the relationship may be salvageable. Otherwise, he’ll likely seek to end the relationship.
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Financial incompatibility
A 2023 survey by Bread Financial found that 44% of coupled respondents wish they had more similar mindsets on financial matters as their partners. Meanwhile, a more recent Lending Tree survey found that 23% of people have ended a relationship due to being financially incompatible with their partners.
At its core, financial incompatibility is when you and your partner see money differently. It could be that one of you is a spender and one is a saver. Or, it could mean that you’re both spenders but have different priorities. For example, it may be that one of you values spending money on things, like nice cars, while the other values spending money on experiences, like vacations.
In Derek’s case, it’s clear that he believes in working for your money, whereas his girlfriend has no problem letting others pay for her lifestyle. With this in mind, it’s easy to see why this relationship likely won’t work out for Derek in the long run. He’s done a good job of covering his expenses and avoiding debt thus far. If he were to marry his girlfriend, who knows what sort of debt she might rack up.
She clearly feels entitled to have someone pay for her lifestyle, and that person could easily be Derek. Even if she doesn’t land both of them in debt, chances are Derek will feel resentful of having to fund her lifestyle when she’s completely capable of working.
All told, being in a relationship with someone you’re not financially compatible with could lead to disaster. Financial problems are the driver of 20-40% of all divorces, according to the Jimenez Law Firm. The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, meanwhile, cites money issues as the primary reason behind 22% of divorces.
For Derek’s relationship to be saved, he needs to have an honest conversation with his girlfriend and set some ground rules. For example, he could suggest that she hold down a job unless there’s a reason not to, like caring for children. If those rules don’t work for her, the two may be better off splitting up.
If you’re in a similar boat, it’s important to have an open discussion about how you view money, what your financial goals are, and what your expectations entail. It may be that your partner wants to work until you have children and then become a stay-at-home parent. That’s a very different thing from not wanting to work, period.
Talk to your partner and, if you think it’ll be helpful, consider getting a counselor involved who can serve as a neutral third party to get you two on the same page. But if you and your partner can’t find a way to see eye to eye on financial matters, you may be better off parting ways as amicably as possible before taking the plunge into marriage.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
