A Raleigh, North Carolina woman was completely blindsided when she found out her boyfriend kept a $80,000 secret from her.
In a jaw-dropping call to The Ramsey Show, caller Allie shared that she recently discovered the massive amount of credit card debt her boyfriend of 10 years kept hidden from her.
The bombshell didn’t stop there.
"I knew he had $40,000 in student loans that he was slowly paying off. And he recently asked me to co-sign on a $100,000 HELOC on his home that he owns," Allie told co-hosts George Kamel and Jade Warshaw.
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How the caller’s boyfriend mismanaged his finances
The first question Kamel had for the caller is what is his addiction. Allie responded that her boyfriend runs a classic car restoration shop that isn’t making any profit.
“I thought he was making more money than he was. Apparently, he wasn’t. He was leveraging most of it on credit cards,” she said. Despite being good at what he does, he lacks business sense: “He sees a build, he buys it, he builds it, he gets bored with it, he sells it, repeat, repeat, repeat.”
Allie added, “But then he can’t pay off that credit card debt because he has maxed out every card and is pretty much at the end of his rope.”
Feeling emotionally indebted
Allie did consider co-signing the HELOC loan out of guilt — despite not being on the home’s deed. Two years ago, she was in a nearly fatal car accident that left her disabled and financially devastated. Her health insurance company sued her to recoup over $500,000 in medical costs, costing her savings, her house, car and job. The only thing left untouched was her kids’ college savings.
Her boyfriend took care of her during the ordeal and she’s since been living in his house after losing everything.
“I felt like I owed him,” she said.
Warshaw made it clear that generosity shouldn’t be a debt to repay and that these two situations aren’t comparable. “The hard part is you’re feeling like ‘this person took care of me’ … And if this goes south, you kind of feel like you’re up a creek without a paddle because this is where you’re living.” Kamel added that Allie shouldn’t enable financial misbehavior because of this prior deed.
Despite being together for a decade, Allie and her boyfriend aren’t married and she’s been paying all their bills, while remaining debt-free. Still, her salary is $35,000 a year, down from the $70,000 she made as a former ER nurse.
Read more: Want an extra $1,300,000 when you retire? Dave Ramsey says this 7-step plan ‘works every single time’ to kill debt, get rich in America — and that ‘anyone’ can do it
Allie now works in a physically-demanding maintenance role for the county and suffers from spinal and traumatic brain injuries.
Even with a good credit score, moving out is a challenge because of high rental rates, but Allie agreed with the co-hosts’ advice about looking for roommates and alternative housing to help diffuse the costs of living.
“He’s broke. I’m broke because I’m supporting both of us,” she said.
So what can you do if you’re stuck in a similar situation? And what should you look out for in a relationship where money is an issue?
Toxic money problems and what to do
Money imbalances in relationships can be a deal-breaker and they can show up in more ways than one.
Parent-child dynamic: This is when one partner takes on responsibility for the other’s finances and life management, similar to how a parent might. It can show up as one partner paying all the bills while the other doesn’t contribute, requiring reminders to the other partner to work or pay debts. It means the “parent” partner feels responsible for the other and carries the emotional load of managing finances for everyone.
Invisible labor imbalance: This can include non-financial labor, like extensive emotional support, meal planning and preparation, household chores and childcare. The bottom line is this labour isn’t equal among partners and it isn’t reflected in monetary compensation. A 2023 Pew Research study found that women still carry the bulk of household and emotional labor, even when both partners are working.
Rescuer-victim dynamic: This is where one partner “saves” the other from problems (often financial or emotional), making the “victim” feel codependent on the “rescuer.” It shows up as paying for bills, managing frequent crises and the use of guilt and manipulation to fortify a power imbalance.
Financial abuse: Financial imbalances specifically can lead to financial abuse, where the abuser withholds money in a power play that keeps victims trapped in unhealthy relationships that can also include other forms of abuse. According to The National Network to End Domestic Violence, financial abuse shows up in a staggering 99% of domestic violence cases.
How to rebalance the relationship
If you choose to stay and work on the relationship, here are some ways you can rebalance the partnership to avoid future enabling of poor financial management:
Financial transparency: List all income, expenses, debts and consider using a shared budgeting tool.
Create expectations: Even if you earn different amounts, each partner should contribute to the lifestyle (groceries, rent). Two ways to balance this contribution is to either split all expenses down the middle, regardless of each partner’s income, or to expect each partner to contribute a share proportional to their income. The value of invisible labour, such as childcare, should be factored in here as well.
Set boundaries: Agree not to pay for your partners’ nonessential bills, for example.
Set a timeline: Give a clear, time-bound plan (3-6 months) to see change. Track progress (employment, reduced debt and other efforts such as working a side-hustle).
Consider help: Couples counseling or financial coaching can be helpful to get neutral third-party support and to learn skills like shared budgeting.
If you choose to leave
In Allie’s case, the Ramsey Show co-hosts emphasize leaving, even if she has to rent with roommates because:
- It interrupts the enabling cycle.
- It can create less permeable boundaries around her finances and mental health.
- Short-term discomfort (like shared living) is often worth it to get independence back.
The Ramsey team also urged Allie to find less physically demanding, higher-paying work that accommodates her health limitations and that gives her more options than dragging her boyfriend’s debt with her.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
