Wesley, a real estate agent from Los Angeles, California, called in to a recent episode of The Ramsey Show with a heart-wrenching dilemma.
His mother hasn’t paid rent in five months on a property he owns, and his savings account is slowly draining. He isn’t sure what to do, but he’s considering asking her to leave.
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“I know the legal answer is going to be yes, but I’m having trouble with the emotional part of it,” he admitted.
Wesley’s father died nearly two years ago. For 12 years, his dad lived with Wesley’s mother, but they were never married and had no legal arrangement. After his father’s death, Wesley took in his mother based on an informal agreement he had made with his brother.
“I had a handshake deal with my brother that said, if my mom passed first, my brother would take care of my dad,” he told The Ramsey Show. “If my dad passed first, I would take care of my mom because we’re a family of dysfunction.”
Now, that handshake deal has dissolved, and Wesley is losing both income and options.
Rent-free but full of excuses
Wesley says he’s confronted his mom over the lack of payment, but admits he’s the enabler.
“I can’t get myself to finally pull the trigger and kick her out because she’s my mom,” he said.
He charges her $1,500 for monthly rent, well below the market rate of $3,300 in the area. Even so, that barely covers HOA fees, insurance, taxes and utilities. The house is paid off, but he’s still on the hook for about $1,000 a month, while his emergency fund continues to shrink.
Wesley has an emergency fund but says, “I can see that every month the account is dropping lower and lower and lower, and we’re not in the red zone yet.”
The Ramsey Show co-hosts offered Wesley their advice, saying that the relationship changed once Wesley’s mom became his tenant. When Wesley asked how to handle the guilt of sending a 30-day eviction notice to his mom, the co-hosts didn’t sugarcoat it.
“The way you emotionally get over it is you walk through it,” co-host Ken Coleman said.
If he doesn’t act, Coleman and George Kamel warned, six months or a year from now the situation will likely be even more toxic. His mother has filed for bankruptcy three times despite earning $2,300 a month.
They also urged Wesley to “step up and be an adult”, adding, “until her behavior changes, nobody can do anything. And that’s what really stinks.”
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The cost of helping and what to do when it’s not working out
It’s not uncommon for families to step in when loved ones struggle financially.
In Wesley’s case, he felt he was honoring a promise to his brother and trying to help his mom. But now he has to make a tough choice. Here are a few compassionate options:
Let her stay, but on his terms
If Wesley has the room, he could let his mother stay rent-free for a set period — say, three to six months — while requiring milestones like applying for housing assistance, finding part-time work and attending financial counseling. This would shift her status from tenant to guest.
Look into housing assistance
Wesley’s mom may qualify for programs like Section 8 vouchers, senior housing communities or nonprofits that help widowed seniors.
Get help from family
Since Wesley has a brother, he could ask for shared monthly contributions, help with a housing plan or check-ins on their mother’s progress. Sharing the burden could make things a lot more manageable.
Manage the emotions
Grief, guilt and obligation are making this more challenging for Wesley. As one of the co-hosts on The Ramsey Show pointed out, he’s afraid of the emotion and the fallout.
Wesley could write a short script, telling his mother he cares about her, but the living arrangement is hurting his finances and their relationship. He could offer to help her find something better, give her notice and assist with packing, moving and rent applications.
Get outside help
A neutral third party — such as a family counselor, faith leader or non-profit organization — can bring clarity without taking sides.
Helping family doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your own finances. In Wesley’s case, setting boundaries may be the only way to break a toxic cycle.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
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