As a parent, you have a responsibility to care for your child, and this can often extend to financial help even after they’ve grown up. However, sometimes the tables are turned, and it’s the parent who needs financial help. When is it acceptable to depend on your child financially, and how can you deal with feelings of guilt or shame around accepting their help?
Let’s look at the case of Claudia. She’s 55 years old, and until recently, was making $40,000 a year at her job. She lives in an expensive city, and after paying her rent and bills, only had about $500 left over each month. As a result, she has little emergency savings.
Recently, Claudia was laid off from her job, and is now worried about her savings running out before she can find a new role. Her son has offered to help: She can live with him for free, and he will also give her $300 per month to help her pay her phone bill and other expenses.
Claudia feels conflicted. On the one hand, she really needs the help. On the other hand, while her son has a good job, she knows he can’t afford to support her long term. She doesn’t want to be a burden or keep him from contributing to his own savings.
While there’s no single right answer in this situation, here are some things Claudia can consider.
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How to deal with guilt over borrowing money
For Claudia, her guilt may stem from feeling like she is a bad parent or a bad role model for how she has managed her own money. There may be some part of her that believes if she was the ideal parent, then financial help would only flow one way, from her to her son.
Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist on the faculty at Georgetown University, spoke to CNN about why some people feel guilty in these situations [1]. “We might not think that we’re worthy of it, or like we’re not somehow measuring up to what we should be.”
To help manage these feelings of guilt, Claudia can have a frank and open discussion with her son. He may be able to reassure her of his own financial stability, and they can negotiate a time limit on the arrangement that will help her to feel less guilty. Her son may also be able to express his own sense of duty to his mother, and his feeling that he wants to help her in return for all the ways in which she’s cared for and supported him over the years. Understanding his feelings may help Claudia to be able to accept his generosity without undue guilt.
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Why money is funny in families
In many situations, borrowing money from a family member can get murky. Without clear discussions beforehand, and the opportunity to set expectations and boundaries, one or more of the parties may feel cheated or misunderstood.
Claudia and her son now have the opportunity to address some of their unspoken feelings about money in their parent-adult child relationship. Ultimately, the process of speaking honestly with her son about money and their relationship may pave the way to more closeness between them — and may make the experience of living together temporarily less stressful.
In their conversation, Claudia can focus on her money values — what she learned from her parents, what attitudes about money she passed onto her son, and what values he’s learned as an adult that may differ from her own. This focus on understanding each other’s beliefs and attitudes can help to bridge the gap in their understanding of what her son’s offer of financial help represents to each of them.
How to get back on your feet after a financial crisis
Regardless of whether Claudia decides to accept her son’s help or not, she will have to rebuild her financial health once she starts working again. Here are a few tips for doing that as efficiently as possible if you find yourself in a similar situation:
- Create a budget: Reviewing your current spending habits and expenses can help you set a realistic budget that makes more room for savings and debt repayments.
- Set up an emergency fund: While three to six months of expenses is recommended, starting with just $1,000, as Dave Ramsey recommends, is a good way to prevent unexpected expenses from derailing your budget as you rebuild your financial independence [2].
- Call your credit card company: They may be able to recommend a balance transfer on your credit card that can help you to save more money. You may also be able to negotiate a temporary suspension of payments or lowered minimum payment to help you get on top of your bills.
- Speak to a financial advisor at your bank: Getting an outside perspective on how best to handle your budget and rebuild your savings is important. They may be able to recommend new account types that can help you to save money in the long run as you re-establish your savings and pay down debt.
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[1]. CNN. “The truth behind ‘gift guilt’ and what to do about it”
[2]. Ramsey Solutions. “Emergency fund: Why you need one and how much to save”
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