Herman from North Carolina called The Ramsey Show worried after his wife wiped out most of the $1,000 they’d saved for an emergency fund in order to throw a baby shower for his brother.
He said she’s always been a spender and can’t seem to commit to their shared future — and financial stability.
“I want to know what to do to get her on board,” Herman said. [1]
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Dave Ramsey and co-host Jade Warshaw suggested he share his feelings with her, painting a picture of the future they could have if they saved more now.
“You need to pan back and dream together about what life would have been like if we had built some wealth,” Ramsey said.
Both he and Warshaw said it would be good for Herman to talk about what’s worrying him rather than playing the blame game. Ramsey suggested he could open with something like:
“Hey, I’m worried about this stuff. I’m terrified. Our current process is not working. … Let’s talk about what we want our future life to look like.”
Herman said he and his wife have already talked about the budget, but it hasn’t helped.
That’s a marriage problem rather than a money problem, the hosts responded.
When money stress becomes marriage stress
Marital money conflicts are common and if they’re not addressed, they can lead to divorce.
In fact, in a national survey, the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts found that money issues ranked No. 3 among the top 3 reasons people got divorced — right behind incompatibility (No. 1) and infidelity (No. 2). [2]
Meanwhile, 54% of respondents to a National Debt Relief survey considered a partner in debt to be a major reason for divorce. [3]
Read more: Want an extra $1,300,000 when you retire? Dave Ramsey says this 7-step plan ‘works every single time’ to kill debt, get rich in America — and that ‘anyone’ can do it
Ramsey’s own studies find that fights over money are a leading contributor to divorce, which is why the show places so much weight on joint planning, total transparency, and rhythmical “money dates.” [4]
Debt, insecurity, and secrecy intensify anxiety can erode trust, often pushing couples that were otherwise happy to consider separation. The issue, however, is not necessarily the dollar amounts but the communication patterns around it.
How to keep money from hurting your marriage
First determine whether you have a money problem or a marriage problem.
A marriage problem is a fundamental misalignment of goals between two adults. A money problem is a disagreement over how to grow wealth as a couple in a healthy relationship.
If what you have is a money problem, first recognize that you’re on the same team to turn “you did it” into “we missed the plan.”
If one spouse is a natural spender and the other a saver, name that difference and balance it with limits you both accept. For categories that routinely bust the plan, try debit-only or cash envelopes for a few months.
Have weekly 20-minute check-ins so small misses never become big fights, and make sure major expenses come from joint bank accounts that you both monitor regularly.
Establish a baseline budget with agreed-upon contributions from each partner. Before you make large purchases, agree on thresholds that require a pause and a conversation. After your shared spending and savings priorities are met, each of you can have a personal fund to contribute to that you can use for impulse buys.
If resentment or secrecy have crept in, you may want to get a trained financial counselor or a marriage counselor involved who understands money dynamics and who can serve as an objective third party.
Get your money and marriage back on track this week
Couples can get back on track by setting one written goal you both agree to for the next six months, like “$1,000 back in start-up emergency fund by October 31.”
From there, build a one-page, zero-based budget together with enough padding to allow for a few spontaneous expenditures. Be sure to block a recurring weekly money meeting on the calendar. If you cannot get through a meeting without a fight, book a counselor and bring the budget to the session.
Responsibility grows when there is a shared plan, clear limits, and regular check-ins that make both partners accountable to the same goals.
Money trouble does not have to become marriage trouble, but it usually does when couples skip the plan, hide the facts or delay the hard talks.
[1]. The Ramsey Show “My wife’s spending keeps putting us back into Baby Step 1”
[2]. Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts “Survey: CDFA Professionals Reveal the Leading Causes of Divorce”
[3]. National Debt Relief One Poll Survey “The hidden cost of debt”
[4]. Ramsey Solutions “Money, marriage and communication”
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.