An in-law moving in can strain familial relationships and cause financial stress — even more so if that in-law has a substance abuse problem.
That’s the case for Tony from Indiana. His mother-in-law has sold her condo so she can pay off her debts, but she’ll only be left with a few thousand dollars. She hasn’t worked in almost a year and now Tony and his wife are letting her move in with them.
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“We’re trying to help out and do the right thing,” Tony told The Ramsey Show, but his mother-in-law has a history of alcohol abuse [1].
He’s worried about the impact this could have on their finances, as well as his marriage and two kids, especially since she hasn’t made much progress on getting help for her addiction.
“We’ve had a great marriage so far. And I don’t want it to be affected by somebody else’s poor decisions,” he said.
Here are two alternatives The Ramsey Show hosts say are better solutions for everyone.
Setting clear boundaries
“If someone is moving into my house who has a history of substance abuse, there’s no way I’m letting them in the front door unless there’s clear progress towards healing,” said co-host George Kamel.
Read more: Want an extra $1,300,000 when you retire? Dave Ramsey says this 7-step plan ‘works every single time’ to kill debt, get rich in America — and that ‘anyone’ can do it
That might mean joining a program like Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or going to rehab.
Alcoholics Anonymous provides support to individuals struggling with alcohol addiction from others in recovery. It’s free, and there’s no intake process or clinical fees, making it accessible to anyone [2]. Al-Anon supports friends or family members of those with a drinking problem [3].
When it comes to rehab, however, costs can vary dramatically depending on the type and duration of treatment (and if the patient has insurance). Outpatient detox can range from about $250 to $800 per day, while inpatient care (the most expensive option) can range from $5,000 to $80,000, according to American Addiction Centers (AAC) [4].
However, for low-income Americans, drug and alcohol addiction treatment could be covered by Medicaid, “including inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, addiction treatment medications, therapy and more,” according to AAC [5].
There are also state-funded substance abuse and detox treatment programs, as well as Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) grants [6].
If Tony’s mother-in-law is going to move in, Kamel says Tony and his wife should set clear expectations — for example, she needs to find a full-time job within 30 days and stay completely sober.
“It’s not you being a jerk about it. It’s you setting the boundaries and if she can’t adhere to the boundaries, then that’s her opting out,” he said.
“I would have her sign a house rules and sobriety agreement that has very clear stipulations, very clear checkpoints as to what’s going to happen and what happens if she doesn’t comply.”
Taking the tough love approach
Tony’s mother-in-law doesn’t have to move in. She doesn’t have much money, but she could put that toward first and last month’s rent.
“Maybe you fund her first month,” said co-host Jade Warshaw, but then it’s up to her to “keep this thing rolling.”
After all, she points out, Tony and his wife are not addiction specialists, so there’s no need for her to move in except to keep a roof over her head.
Tony’s mother-in-law may struggle to pay rent if she only earns the $7.25 an hour minimum wage in Indiana — the same as the federal minimum wage — as the average rent in Indiana is $980 a month for a studio apartment and $1,111 a month for a one-bedroom, according to Apartments.com [7].
But if Tony and his wife pay her rent (or let her move in), they may be unwittingly ‘enabling’ her.
“Just as someone can, consciously or not, help perpetuate addiction or other unhealthy behaviors, the willingness to be your in-law’s ATM is keeping their poor financial habits alive and well,” columnist Daniel Kurt writes in Fatherly [8].
The mental health and well-being site HelpGuide.org warns that enabling someone with a drinking problem isn’t just about hiding their empty bottles of booze from the rest of the family. Enabling includes offering financial aid if they lose their job or get in trouble.
Actually helping means holding them “accountable for their behavior and letting them maintain their sense of importance and dignity. [9]”
For the vast majority of Americans, it’s also not financially sustainable to support two households. In Tony’s case, supplementing his mother-in-law’s rent could mean he and his wife would struggle to save for their retirement or their kids’ college education.
However, Tony and his wife could still provide emotional support, as well as other forms of support, such as help with finding employment.
They may want to consider talking to a financial planner or a financial therapist. To find someone with a background in both areas, you can find options through the Financial Therapy Association [10] or Financial Psychology Institute (11).
Article sources
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[1]. The Ramsey Show “My Mother-In-Law Is Moving In And I’m Trying To Stay Positive About It”
[2]. Alcoholics Anonymous
[3]. Al-Anon
[4]. American Addiction Centers “The Cost of Going to Rehab: How Much Does Rehab Cost?”
[5]. American Addiction Centers “Does Medicaid Cover Drug and Alcohol Rehab?”
[6]. American Addiction Centers “Financing & Grants for Substance Abuse Treatment”
[7]. Apartments.com “What is the average market rent in Indiana?”
[8]. Fatherly “Do I Have To Financially Support In-Laws I Can’t Stand?”
[9]. Helping.org “How to Help an Alcoholic”
[10]. Financial Therapy Association
[11]. Financial Psychology Institute
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