For 28 years, Mark and Lisa lived by a simple rule: split everything down the middle. They have prided themselves on financial equality, including during the years Lisa stayed home to raise their children while Mark worked full time.
Now that they’re retired, they both have modest personal accounts with “mad money” to spend freely without explanation. When Lisa inherited $9,000 from her mother last year, she kept the inheritance in her name. Mark transferred an equal amount from their joint account to his.
But when Lisa’s father recently passed away and she received a $55,000 inheritance, things changed.
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Lisa told Mark that she again wanted to keep it in her own name, but this time said ‘no’ to Mark transferring the equal amount to himself from their joint account, saying it was ‘too much’ money.
Mark didn’t argue. Instead, he stepped away and took time to process the conversation. But, he couldn’t ignore the unease it left him with.
What’s mine is yours?
Is it unfair? Emotionally, yes — especially in a marriage built on 50/50. Is it wrong? Not necessarily.
In many jurisdictions, inheritances are considered separate property unless they’re combined with joint assets. Lisa is legally within her rights. But relationally, this shift touches something deeper than bank balances.
In long-term relationships, financial expectations often take root early and run deep. When those expectations suddenly change, especially without clear communication, it can feel like the ground is shifting beneath you.
Mark isn’t questioning Lisa’s right to the money, but he is questioning what it means for their shared values. After a lifetime of pooling every dollar, why the change now?
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How to have hard conversations about money
When money gets emotional, it’s easy for couples to drift into defensiveness or silence. But proactive, values-based conversations are key. Here’s how to begin:
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Start with transparency. Lead with your feelings, not your frustration. Tell your partner, “This isn’t about the money — it’s about how we’ve always made decisions together. I’d love to talk about how we see this now.”
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Revisit the definition of fair. Financial fairness doesn’t always mean a strict 50/50 split. Maybe Lisa needs to keep some of the inheritance for security or autonomy. Maybe Mark needs reassurance that big financial decisions will still be mutual. Fairness can live in that middle space.
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Create a framework together. Couples can honor both separate property and a shared life by creating intentional financial agreements. For example, they might agree to allocate a percentage of any windfalls, such as inheritances or bonuses, to joint goals.
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Focus on values, not just dollars. What does money mean in your relationship? Security? Freedom? Love? Revisiting those core values can help guide financial choices and avoid turning disagreements into deep divides.
How to how to handle separate property in a 50/50 marriage
In this situation, we know Mark’s point of view and feelings on the matter, but not Lisa’s.
For example, though they split all costs 50/50 in the marriage, Lisa may have been lower paid than Mark, and the equal split may have felt like more of a burden. Today, women stand to earn just $0.83 on the dollar compared to men. Thirty years ago, the gap was around $0.72 for every dollar earned.
Lisa may also feel that she’s entitled to keep this money to herself if the distribution of labor in the marriage was unequal.
Numerous studies have found that the distribution of labor in the average marriage was unequal, including a Pew Research Center survey that showed women tend to do 80% of the cooking and grocery shopping in the average U.S. home. Mark may be feeling that his marriage was perfectly equitable, but Lisa’s refusal to share this “fun” money may have a deeper meaning for how she views their 50/50 arrangement.
In order to have this conversation in a constructive way, Mark must be willing to examine his own behavior and make space for any hurt feelings or resentment that Lisa has been harboring over the course of their nearly three decades together.
Mark suspects he may one day inherit more than $60,000 from his aging father, though he’s quick to note that those funds may be needed for care and likely won’t materialize. Still, he wants to get on the same page now about what they will do together when that happens.
Money isn’t just about numbers. It’s about trust, partnership and navigating change together — even when it comes wrapped in grief and a bank transfer.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
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