Mary from Charlotte, NC, called into The Ramsey Show in July with an unusual but extremely dire problem: her husband, a conspiracy theorist, denies that they owe the government money — when they in fact owe over half a million dollars in back taxes and their home has been at risk of foreclosure twice.
Mary’s spouse subscribes to the sovereign citizen ideology, a collection of unfounded beliefs that challenges the legitimacy of the United States government. Followers develop elaborate but legally unsound arguments to support their position, often relying on wishful thinking rather than established legal principles. For example, Mary’s husband believes that all Americans have access to “billions and billions of dollars in an account somewhere, and just our signature can pay off debt.”
However, in the real world, Mary is struggling to sort out their financial mess, after wresting control of their finances from her husband about a year ago.
Here’s what hosts Ken Coleman and George Kamel advised her to do.
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Advice for a marriage-ending problem
During the call, Mary tearfully explained that before taking over finances, she wasn’t aware of any of their money troubles. She learned about their mortgage mess when the sheriff showed up with the foreclosure papers, and on a separate occasion, her car was repossessed. She even lost her job as a worship leader at her church because of the liability risk her husband posed.
Kamel and Coleman had a major reality check for her.
“This is a nightmare, and I’m scared you’re going to go down with this guy,” Kamel said to her. “You’re both going to be in prison if you keep this up.”
You are very unsafe,” Coleman said. “And he can say he loves you, but this is not the act of love.”
Why money troubles lead couples to divorce
Though most couples don’t have problems with money as extreme as Mary’s situation, money is a serious cause of strain in relationships. A study from Ramsey Solutions found that money is the number one issue married couples argue about, and the number two predictor of divorce, after infidelity. Debt has a huge strain on marriages, and increased debt meant increased fighting for most of the couples in the survey. Moreover, it seems almost inevitable — the survey found that 86% of couples who got married in the last five years started out with debt.
Sonya Britt, an assistant professor of family studies and human services and program director of personal financial planning at Kansas State University, also found that couples who fight about money are more likely to divorce, even if they make lots of money.
"Arguments about money [are] by far the top predictor of divorce. It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women,” said Britt. "It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women."
Money is such a thorny issue because couples often hold opposing views on what money is for, haven’t aligned their values on finances and have fundamental differences in how they view goal-setting, spending and saving and other money matters.
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What to do with a partner who is extremely financially irresponsible
If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse is causing you major financial harm, it’s important to protect your own wellbeing — both financially and emotionally. While not every partner is likely to be as unreasonable and controlling as Mary’s husband, if you find yourself with unequal power in your relationship with regards to finances, you may want to consider separating to protect yourself from the dire consequences of your partner’s mismanagement. In some cases, this is a form of coercive control that is abusive. The National Network to End Domestic Violence has resources for individuals who find themselves in this situation. And it’s more common than you may think. Their research shows that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic abuse cases.
If your case is simply one of mismanagement, you may be able to work it out, provided your partner is open to reason, and to several frank discussions about money and what you need to do to dig yourselves out of the hole that they created. This conversation may include the help of a martial counselor or a financial professional, who are trained to mediate these discussions and help you focus on a plan that is both realistic for your finances and meets the goals you co-create together.
When it’s time to go
As Coleman and Kamel noted in their call with Mary, most wives would have ended their marriage long before getting to this point. While the “enough is enough” point varies from person to person, it’s important to remember that signs of abuse should never be tolerated. Marriage.com offers a quiz that can help you get perspective if you’re unsure whether your spouse’s behavior counts as abuse.
If you do decide to separate or divorce, make sure you’re protected financially. If your spouse is engaged in criminal activity that can affect your marital estate and finances, you can be held financially responsible for their illegal activity. To help mitigate, file your taxes under the married filing separate status or consider applying to the IRS for injured-spouse relief, if you can prove that you were unaware of your spouse’s tax fraud. In any case, it’s critical to consult with a lawyer who has expertise in these matters and can advise you on the best course to pursue.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.