Kevin from Fort Worth, TX and his girlfriend have been together for six years and now talk has turned to marriage. But he’s worried he can’t be a “dutiful, Christian husband and a leader of the family” when his girlfriend makes substantially more money than he does.
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So he called into The Ramsey Show for advice.
While Kevin makes a healthy $200,000 salary, his future wife has a $3.5 to $4 million annual income. She owns an insurance company and several related businesses, while he works in financial services.
“Here’s the good news — she’s not marrying you for the money,” co-host George Kamel told Kevin.
“She’s doing it because she loves you. So that will never be an issue. Whether you make a dollar or a million dollars, it’s chump change to her world.”
But Kamel added that he’s “never read a piece of scripture that has told me the husband must make more than the wife or else you’re not a dutiful husband.”
Rethinking ‘Christian leadership’
“This is your insecurity, bro,” said co-host Dr. John Delony. “You’re going to have to decide that ‘this woman loves me and I’m worth being loved.’”
Christian leadership is “not about dollars,” he said. Rather, “it’s about service.”
Being the “chief service officer” of his family means protecting his wife’s “spirit and her time,” said Delony. It means offering up a listening ear and providing “a safe space for her to crash because she’s running 17 companies at once.”
The show gets a lot of calls where the husband is the breadwinner of the family, but they’re still terrible husbands and dads, Kamel points out.
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Many men equate their worth with a number. “At some point, you’re going to have to decouple your identity from a number,” said Delony.
However, the stereotype of the male breadwinner as provider and protector of the family is long-entrenched — and it’s persistent.
Regardless of faith-based beliefs, “about half of Americans (48%) say most men in an opposite-sex marriage would prefer to earn more money than their wife,” according to Pew Research Center, based on survey data and an analysis of government data.
Yet, societal changes are taking place — and the reality is much different.
Pew Research Center found that, in 16% of marriages, the wife is the primary breadwinner — making 60% or more of the couple’s combined income. Both spouses earn about the same amount in 29% of marriages, while the man is the sole or primary breadwinner in just over half (55%) of marriages.
How couples can address income inequality
Kevin isn’t alone in his hesitancy to marry, given the unequal economic circumstances in his relationship.
There’s evidence that income disparity can keep both men and women from marrying a prospective partner. There’s also evidence that this disparity can lead to mental health issues for both spouses and even be a factor in divorce.
This isn’t helped by social media ‘himfluencers’ and ‘hyper-masculine’ content, which promote ideas about masculinity that are defined by financial success and physical appearance.
But there are strategies that can help couples navigate this potentially fraught dynamic.
When one partner earns significantly more than the other, it can create a power imbalance. For men, in particular, they may feel emasculated if the woman pays for everything. It can also cause resentment over time, especially if they don’t feel they have as much say in financial decision-making.
For women, resentment can build if they’re earning as much (or more than) their husbands, but still find they’re doing the bulk of the household work, like cooking and cleaning.
The Institute for Family Studies recommends dividing household labor evenly and finding alternative sources of status for the husband, such as coaching a kids sports team or volunteering in the community.
For Kevin, moving forward means getting past his financial insecurity. It also means respecting the success he’s already found — after all, an annual income of $200,000 is still high. The median earnings for a man was $66,790 in 2023 (and $55,240 for a woman), according to U.S. Census Bureau data.
Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer all and it’s still the case in today’s world that a wife making more than a husband can cause relationship issues. But it doesn’t have to be a relationship-killer.
As Deloney tells Kevin: “You’re still going to provide — it’s just going to look different than the internet says it is.”
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
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