When Spencer from Texas wrote into The Ramsey Show [1], he revealed a plan that raised eyebrows. He’d built up an emergency fund and several months’ worth of expenses on his own, and he wasn’t sure whether to share that nest egg fully with his fiancée.
Spencer’s idea was to split the money, put half into a joint account and have her rebuild the rest. "This way, it won’t feel like she’s marrying into financial security and all the sacrifice and dedication I made before we got married," he reasoned.
But what he saw as fairness came across very differently to cohosts Dave Ramsey and George Kamel. To them, it sounded like financial secrecy — or worse, a test for his future spouse.
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"Let me help you, son. That ain’t a gravy train. It’s just an umbrella … (a) really dumb idea," Dave Ramsey asserted. "You’re going to struggle fast if she’s got a backbone … A husband is a teammate, not a parent.”
This exchange highlights the serious but often hidden problem of financial secrecy or infidelity before marriage. Research shows it’s more common than many realize.
A 2021 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education found that 43% of those who combined finances in a relationship admitted to financial deception, such as hiding accounts, debts or spending [2].
Why pre-marriage counseling matters
If secrecy begins before “I do,” chances are it won’t stop afterward. That’s where pre-marriage counseling comes in — not just the relationship kind, but financial.
Research finds that only a minority of couples seek pre-marital help — roughly 27% in an academic sample and about 30% in a recent survey of newlyweds — leaving most couples to enter marriage without formal preparation [3].
Financial therapy, a blend of financial planning and counseling, has been gaining traction. Couples who practice sound financial management behaviors see higher relationship satisfaction, and studies suggest financial therapy may help reduce relationship conflict tied to money.
Even couples not in crisis can benefit. Proactively addressing money values, debt history and spending styles before marriage can prevent resentment and mistrust later.
Read more: How much cash do you plan to keep on hand after you retire? Here are 3 of the biggest reasons you’ll need a substantial stash of savings in retirement
Why it’s never too late: The fight-provoking power of money
Research from Kansas State University found arguments about money to be "by far the top predictor of divorce,” often sparking more disagreements than topics like sex, kids or or in-laws [4].
This makes Spencer’s dilemma more than just numbers. It could potentially damage his future marriage if not addressed openly.
The good news is, even if financial secrecy or resentment has already happened, it’s never too late to rebuild trust. Financial therapy can help couples create shared financial goals and values, build accountability systems and heal from past financial betrayal.
The Financial Therapy Association says clients typically seek to "reduce financial stress, improve communication about money or overcome emotional blocks," and practitioners help them work on long-term planning needs [5].
And a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau study found that financial coaching created gains in money management, financial health metrics like savings balances, debt levels and credit scores and feelings of financial confidence and financial well-being [6].
Marriage is about teamwork, not scorekeeping. And when it comes to money, the healthiest partnerships are built on openness, honesty and trust.
So, whether you’re dating, engaged or decades into marriage, avoiding money talks is not smart. Financial infidelity doesn’t stay hidden forever, and starting your partnership with secrecy is a recipe for long-term struggles.
As Kamel put it, “I would not get engaged until you’re actually comfortable combining your entire life instead of dangling this as some sort of punishment and thing to be earned."
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[1]. YouTube. “Make my wife build her half of our emergency fund?”
[2]. NEFE. “2 in 5 Americans admit to financial infidelity against their partner”
[3]. American Psychological Association. “Barriers and facilitators of relationship help-seeking Among low-income couples”
[4]. Kanas State University. “Researcher finds correlation between financial arguments, decreased relationship satisfaction”
[5]. Financial Therapist Association. “Find a financial therapist”
[6]. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. “Financial coaching initiative: Results and lessons learned”
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