Building a life together means sharing everything — including finances.
That’s the advice given to a caller on The Ramsey Show who asked about her boyfriend’s insistence on keeping their money completely separate.
Shelby from Dallas, Texas, has been dating her boyfriend for about a year. However, as they began talking about their future, including marriage and children, a major issue came up: he wants to maintain fully separate finances. He currently earns twice her income and recently purchased a home on his own.
“So it would be his money, his house, and you just get the privilege of living there, at a discounted rate — is that what this future looks like?” asked co-host George Kamel.
“It sounds like he wants to be single,” Kamel added. “He wants the benefits of the relationship, but he doesn’t want the commitment.”
Fellow co-host Rachel Cruze pushed back slightly. “No, he loves her!” she said. But she agreed that keeping finances entirely separate isn’t realistic. She pointed out how their lives would inevitably become financially intertwined if they got married and had kids.
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How do most American couples manage their money?
How common is it for couples to keep their finances separate? A recent survey of more than 2,000 Americans found that most people in committed relationships — 62% — keep at least some of their money separate.
While 34% said they had a combination of joint and separate accounts, 27% revealed they keep their money completely separate. Those who only have joint accounts made up 38% of respondents.
Kamel and Cruze argued that fully separate finances may signal deeper issues in a relationship. Cruze says the red flag she sees is that, if Shelby’s boyfriend insists on this separate dynamic, it could mean that other parts of their relationship will have a level of separation not conducive to a strong partnership.
“I’ve rarely seen a thriving marriage with total unity and love, long-term, that lives this way,” Kamel said. “It’s just too hard. It turns into resentment and scorekeeping of, ‘Well I covered this the last time,’ and ‘Well I make half as much, so I should only cover half as much of the bills.’”
Cruze agreed: “Yeah, it’s a business relationship — not a romantic partnership.”
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What are the risks and benefits of keeping money separate?
Kamel warned that fully separate finances can lead to “financial infidelity down the line” due to lack of transparency. “He could have a spending addiction that you’re totally unaware of because you don’t see the account, you don’t have access to the account.”
According to the aforementioned survey, 40% of people living with a partner have committed financial infidelity — whether by hiding debt, undisclosed accounts or credit cards, or, most commonly, overspending.
However, there can be valid reasons for keeping finances separate. Managing shared expenses can become complex, and some financial planners recommend the “yours, mine, ours” approach. This could involve each partner maintaining individual accounts, along with a shared one — such as a joint credit card — for household expenses.
Pooling finances can help build trust and long-term unity. However, keeping finances separate can offer some protection — particularly for women — if a relationship ends. One U.S. study found women’s median income dropped by about 30% in the year of their divorce, but men’s median income fell by only 6%.
Some experts also advise keeping inheritances separate. In most states, inheritances are considered separate from the marital property; but if they’re combined with joint marital assets, they could be subject to division in a divorce.
Don’t put off talking about money
The main thing experts agree on is the importance of being open and honest about your views on money — and not waiting to have the conversation until it’s too late.
According to research by Ramsey Solutions, money is the No. 1 issue couples fight about, and the No. 2 cause of divorce.
Being upfront about your spending habits and beliefs around money — while acknowledging that these views are shaped by your upbringing and culture — lays the groundwork for healthy compromise.
Assuming your partner sees money the same way without ever discussing it can lead to major conflict down the road.
Cruze advises couples to talk about money frequently and openly. The Ramsey Solutions survey found that couples who rate their marriage as “great” are nearly twice as likely to discuss money daily or weekly, compared to couples who describe their marriage as “okay” or “in crisis.”
A key topic Shelby and her partner need to discuss is their income gap. Cruze emphasizes that the higher earner shouldn’t assume greater decision-making power — especially in situations where one partner may take on unpaid responsibilities, like childcare or managing the household.
However, Shelby is on the right track. She and her partner are having these conversations before they decide to get married, or even move in together. If they can align financially before they say “I do,” they will be saving themselves a lot of strife in the future.
As Cruze advised Shelby, “Let this be a good litmus test to the relationship, and how much your opinion matters and if he values your opinion enough.”
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.