A caller named Stacey from Atlanta reached out to The Ramsey Show with a disturbing situation involving her mother-in-law and romance scammers. In just one week, her husband’s mother had depleted a retirement account worth $750,000 by sending funds to these fraudsters. Additionally, the mother-in-law had taken drastic financial measures including refinancing her vehicle and maxing out credit cards to continue sending money to the scammers. Stacey explained that she and her husband were feeling overwhelmed and desperate for solutions to address this troubling situation.

Stacey described her mother-in-law as a serial cheater. With her father-in-law in poor health and likely to pass soon, she’s wondering how the family will manage her mother-in-law’s reckless behavior, which seems to border on mental illness.

While the elderly couple still have a healthy nest egg that could last her mother-in-law for the rest of her life, Stacey is worried she’ll blow the other $2 to $3 million that’s left, and isn’t sure how she and her husband will afford to take care of her — or how to cope with her behavior.

Here’s what hosts Jade Warshaw and John Delony had to say about the situation.

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The financial impact of caring for an elderly family member

Stacey told the hosts, “My husband and I … are going to be debt-free within the next two years. We’ve worked aggressively to get to that point, and I don’t want to go into debt to take care of somebody else.”

“And you don’t have to,” Jade Warshaw told her.

Host John Delony was sympathetic, but realistic. “You have to understand that there’s not a lot that you, personally, can do,” he said, in reference to Stacey trying to curb her husband’s mother’s bad behavior.

Delony advised Stacey’s husband to seek a conservatorship through the courts, emphasizing that they must prove that Stacey’s mother-in-law is a harm to herself. He also advised that the court can order psychological tests to help prove, as Stacey suspects, that her mother-in-law is mentally ill.

When you are caring for an elderly family member, it’s not always smooth sailing. Whether it’s a fight about independence, such as moving them into assisted living when they’re no longer able to live independently, or negotiating how much time you can realistically spend with them as you navigate your own life, including career and raising your kids, there are a lot of tough conversations on the horizon. Factor in money troubles, and the stress levels can skyrocket.

The costs of providing care for an elderly relative are also high. The AARP reports that the average caregiver spends around $7,200 per year on caregiving expenses. Other research they conducted found that caregivers spend 26% of their income on caregiving expenses, and one in three will use their personal savings to cover costs.

However, the costs of living in long term care are significantly higher. CareScout reports that the average monthly cost of a private room in a nursing home sits at $10,646, while in-home care services typically hover between $6,000 and $7,000. It’s also difficult to have an elderly family member’s care covered by Medicaid. The AARP says that while the program does cover nursing home care for people who can no longer bathe, dress or feed themselves unassisted, generally you have to have less than $750 in monthly income and less than $2,000 in financial assets (not including your home) to qualify.

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Dealing with the fallout of a family fight about money

Leading conversations about money, end-of-life and planning is difficult, especially with a parent who is used to being the authority figure. The AARP recommends bringing a trusted third party into the conversation if you’re finding it tough to navigate. They recommend an advisor such as the family lawyer, doctor, faith or community leader. A counselor, or even an eldercare mediator, can also help facilitate the conversation.

In any case, approach the conversation with both information and a loving attitude. Observe their behavior, so you have specific instances to point to, rather than generalities. Come with information on next steps, but don’t introduce it until they’re ready. You must respect your loved one’s independence, and give them time to get used to the idea of giving some of it up.

Conservatorships and power of attorney

While Stacey wants to pursue a conservatorship, she is worried her father-in-law will object, partly out of embarrassment.

Deloney says that, considering his poor health, these decisions must be made by Stacey’s husband and his brother.

“It’s as simple as telling him [the father-in-law], ‘You can sign this over to us, and it stays with us, or this is going to become a public matter.’”

“Do we watch our mom burn her life to the ground, or do we go down swinging?”

If you are in a similar situation where you need to seek a conservatorship for an elderly family member due to their age, mental health or physical health, you should know that laws vary by state. In general, the court will examine the person’s finances, health and their own wishes to determine whether they are incapacitated. In the case of Stacey’s mother-in-law, for example, she will also be notified ahead of time so that she can make her own wishes known to the court.

Finally, power of attorney works differently, and entails a person freely giving their consent to another trusted person to manage their money in the event that they become incapacitated. While it may be possible in Stacey’s case for her husband to petition the court for power of attorney, he would have to prove his mother’s inability to manage for herself, and it would not legally prevent his mother from spending money she has access to. He would have to control his parents’ remaining assets, and prevent his mother from accessing more than she needs.

Warshaw summed up the call with Stacey like this: “Unfortunately, I think this is one of those things where both solutions, either sitting to the side and watching … and the other option, which is being very proactive, are each going to have its own set of challenges.”

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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.