What do you do when your 19-year-old stepson aims no higher than a part-time Walmart job, drops out of college and blows through cash while living at home? One Texas stepmom in this situation called into The Ramsey Show to get advice (1).
She admitted she not only covers his food and board at home costs, but also his financial shortfalls when he blows money on things like meals out.
Meanwhile, he isn’t saving any money: He spends every dollar he earns from his $14/hour Walmart gig and blows through investment dividends he receives every quarter.
Her strategy was to incentivize responsibility by dangling financial support, but she isn’t sure it was working.
Dave Ramsey and his cohost John Delony said she was incentivizing the opposite behavior.
“What he’s doing, his behavior makes perfect sense in his world,” Delony said. “He gets cheques that fall from the sky every quarter. He has no rent.
“And he has a mom and dad that say, ‘You have to get a job.’ And he goes, ‘OK, I’ll work six hours a week.’ And y’all pay his cellphone, you pay his insurance, you pay for everything.”
The caller’s situation is hardly unique. A 2024 TD Bank survey found that almost 60% of retired parents are financially providing for their adult children on both everyday and big-ticket items such as buying a house or paying for a wedding (2). On average, this amounts to older adults annually spending approximately $6,945 on their adult children.
Rising rents, student debt and higher living costs make it tough for young adults to stand on their own. But so does enabling bad behavior.
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The Ramsey playbook: boundaries, not bailouts
Ramsey and Delony said the boy needs accountability, not subsidies. Their advice centred on tough conversations and firm boundaries.
They urged her to kick him out — for his own good — giving him a one- to two-month heads-up. They warned that she and her husband would have to prepare for the blowback.
She fears he’d just go live with his biological mother. Ramsey said that was fine but that she needed to focus on her own enabling behavior that kept him from growing up.
He gave the example of mother eagles that build their nests with thorny branches and pad them with soft material for eaglets, but may gradually remove padding as their eaglets grow up. Eagle mothers may also withhold food — encouraging their offspring to fly and find food for themselves.
Ramsey and Delony argued that a parent’s job at this stage is not to hand out money, but to hand over responsibility.
Covering basic needs while a child pursues education or job training can be healthy. Covering concert tickets, gadgets and late-night takeout? That’s enabling. Over time, it can rob young adults of the motivation to manage their own finances.
Experts like psychologist and author Jeffrey Bernstein agree. In a Psychology Today article, he wrote that setting clear boundaries around money is essential if you want your adult child to develop financial responsibility (3).
“Without boundaries, the risk of becoming your child’s economic safety net is high, which can foster dependence instead of resilience,” he wrote.
“Make it clear that while you’re willing to help in specific ways, your child must also take steps toward financial independence.”
Read more: Are you drowning in debt? Here are 3 simple strategies to help crush your balance to $0 in no time
How to help without enabling
There’s a fine line between helping and enabling, and it’s easy to blur that line. When you help someone, you provide assistance or support that’s necessary to achieve an end goal. On the other hand, enabling refers to providing misguided support that facilitates another person’s self-destructive behaviour.
So how can parents walk the line? Consider some guiding principles.
1. Outline the limits of your support. Spell out what help you’re willing to give, whether it’s housing, food or temporary bill coverage, and attach conditions such as job-hunting or saving progress.
2. Ensure there is a time limit to your support. Define an end date or goal so the support doesn’t become indefinite.
3. Never give more than you can afford to lose. Resentment can build quickly when financial help hurts the giver’s own stability.
Parents can also offer structure without cash. Help your child create a budget, review pay stubs or set up automatic transfers to a savings account.
Providing financial education and accountability tools is often more effective than writing another cheque.
Lessons are better learned when taught early and frequently. A simple allowance system, saving jars or discussions about wants versus needs can plant the seeds of responsibility.
As teens take jobs, parents can help them open chequing accounts, set savings goals and understand the cost of credit.
By adulthood, the basics should feel routine: Spend less than you earn, save first, avoid debt.
Without that foundation, young adults stumble — and parents can get dragged into the cleanup.
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Article sources
We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines. The Ramsey Show Highlights (1); TD Stories (2); Psychology Today (3);
This article originally appeared on Money.ca under the title: Dave Ramsey tells one mom to stop bankrolling her aimless adult stepson — and act like a mother eagle
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.