Few feelings are more unsettling than being financially tied to someone you don’t trust to be responsible with money.
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Billionaire Kim Kardashian offered a high-profile, celebrity view of that feeling when she told Alex Cooper in an October episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast that she ended her relationship with Kanye “Ye” West in part because he was reckless with their shared wealth and she didn’t feel safe financially (1).
“I would come home, and we had like five Lamborghinis, and I’d come home and they’d all be gone, you know, if he was in an episode. And I’d be like, ‘Oh, wait, where’s all our cars? My new car’ … And it would be like, oh, he gave them away to all of his friends,” she explained.
Kardashian said she experienced the “unsettling feeling” of not knowing what to expect and a lack of stability.
West was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2016, but earlier this year he said he was misdiagnosed and instead has autism.
Financial infidelity and abuse more common than you think
Unfortunately, financial infidelity is more common than you might think. According to a study from the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE), 43% of Americans admit to having committed some act of financial deception at least once, and 85% of those respondents admitted their behavior negatively affected their relationship (2).
“When you comingle finances in a relationship, you’re consenting to cooperation and transparency in your money management. Regardless of the severity of the act, financial infidelity can cause tremendous strain on couples — it leads to arguments, a breakdown of trust, and in some cases, separation or even divorce,” said Billy Hensley, president and CEO of NEFE.
Financial abuse, which is a control tactic and can be much more serious, is the number one reason why women stay in or return to abusive relationships and it can take years for them to recover financially, according to the AllState Foundation (3). It may involve controlling the victim’s paychecks, credit cards and bank accounts, forcing them to turn over their retirement benefits, deciding how they spend their money or destroying their credit rating.
“Any woman can become a victim of financial abuse, regardless of economic or social status,” said John Rugel, a senior vice president at Allstate.
“Financial abuse is devastatingly effective because it’s often not illegal, and it is an invisible tactic of domestic violence,” added Kim Pentico, director of economic justice programs, National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV).
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Some financial experts like Kevin O’Leary even advise women to sign prenups and keep their finances separate.
If your partner is controlling your money and financial decisions and you believe you are a victim of financial abuse, you should seek help and support immediately. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
Going deeper
Conflicts over money are rarely just about numbers and bank balances. They involve identity, power and safety, which amplifies the emotional stakes and the damage done when one party’s deception is revealed. In an article for Psychology Today, Vicky Reynal, a psychotherapist specializing in financial therapy and author of Money on Your Mind, wrote, “One reason financial conflicts are so difficult to resolve is that they are often not about money at all. Instead, money becomes a proxy for deeper emotional issues” (4).
Imbalances in earnings and misalignment between couples of saving versus spending priorities can lead to individuals taking a side and digging in. One person’s “money is made to be spent” becomes the other person’s reckless behavior, and when the tables are turned, saving can appear to be controlling and manipulative.
When partners lack shared goals and transparent systems, even small actions — like not including a partner in budgeting and paying bills — can escalate into chronic distrust and disengagement.
A study on couples’ money management done at the Iowa State University finds that relationship dynamics often drive outcomes, noting that “underlying relationship issues and communication techniques might be more important to the couple’s relationship,” with financial management acting as context for marital quality rather than its core engine (5).
How to build financial intimacy
The opposite of financial infidelity is financial intimacy, and just like physical intimacy, it requires openness, communication and demonstrations of trustworthiness to flourish. Partners can cultivate financial intimacy by sharing money histories, values, vulnerabilities and plans, while continually acting on those values.
There are three pillars of financial intimacy that all couples can institute to reduce conflict, even if there is an imbalance in earnings or endowments in the relationship.
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Open disclosure: Just like light is the best disinfectant, regularly sharing information on accounts, debts, credit reports and upcoming expenses is the best way to eliminate festering surprises. Successful couples often set a monthly budget meeting to go over income and expenditures, set goals for saving and agree on priorities for spending. Psychologists also urge couples to come to money discussions ready to compromise.
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Shared meaning and goals: Translate values into written near-term and long-term goals, so choices feel collaborative rather than policed. Of course, it’s important to make sure you are at least in the same book, if not on the same page as the person you want to tie your financial life to, but as couples grow together and mature over time, it’s important to revisit your goals and priorities. These discussions also help when one partner faces financial setbacks, like losing a job.
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Agreed-upon systems: Create simple rules for spending thresholds, fun-money allowances and saving automation to reduce friction that leads to secrecy. Couples may feel the need to keep separate bank accounts for many reasons, but shared expenses like home maintenance, spending on children’s needs and childcare, as well as other common household expenses should be subject to discussion and agreement on the rules for spending.
Financial intimacy is a promise to keep each other informed and involved. As Kim Kardashian’s sad experience shows, reckless behavior, hidden debts or even outright financial fraud will corrode trust until a relationship breaks.
Money secrecy is all-too-common and it hurts couples, while consistent communication and shared systems protect both the budget and the bond.
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Article sources
We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.
Call Her Daddy/YouTube (1); NEFE (2); AllState Foundation (3); Psychology Today (4); Iowa State University (5)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.