A Utah father called The Ramsey Show with a problem that will sound familiar to a lot of families, even if most don’t have quite as many mouths to feed (1).
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He and his wife have 11 children and, despite earning about $200,000 a year (roughly $120,000 after taxes and insurance), they’ve racked up nearly $50,000 in debt over the last five years. The father told Dave Ramsey he blames the debt on activities for the children, which cost the family a little more than $2,000 a month.
His wife, he said, has “stuck them in sports and extracurricular activities” and refuses to pull them out, even as the bills pile up. She’s also considering picking up a part-time job, though with 11 children, and the youngest only five, that’s a tall order.
But Ramsey wasn’t buying the “sports are the problem” line. He told the caller that the issue wasn’t the cost of soccer or gymnastics: it was the couple’s lack of communication. In short, the sports are not the problem, “they’re the symptom.” The system, according to him, is the problem.
What did Dave recommend?
Ramsey’s advice was simple but direct: stop the blame game and start acting like a team.
“You can’t be passive and say, ‘Well, she did this,’” he told the caller. “No, she didn’t do it — you stood there and watched it.”
According to Ramsey, the couple’s real challenge isn’t overspending, it’s that they aren’t making decisions together. They need a shared budget and plan to prevent overspending. “We are going to get on a system where we decide together where our money is going. You get a vote, I get a vote,” he said. “We’ve got to come into alignment and it’s got to be on less than we make.”
That lack of alignment isn’t unique. Money disagreements are one of the most common sources of marital tension. According to an American Psychological Association study conducted in 2014, almost a third of adults with partners (31%) report that money is a major source of conflict in their relationships (2) — and it’s said to be one of the leading causes of divorce.
Financial strain can damage the emotional foundation of a relationship. According to a Kansas State University researcher, it doesn’t matter how much you make, arguments about money are the top predictor for divorce because it happens at all levels (3). She said couples use harsher language when arguing about money and the arguments last longer.
Psychologist Dr. Regine Muradian told CNBC, “Debt can cause conflict and friction in a relationship, but it’s all about communication and how each partner views their debt” (4).
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How to have tough financial conversations with your partner
Money issues don’t disappear on their own. Couples have to communicate about their financial situation and goals. And the best way to have those conversations is early, honestly and often.
Here are a few ways to have more productive money conversations:
- Start the conversation before it’s a crisis. Ideally, before marriage, but if you’re already sharing expenses, set a monthly “money date” to go over income, expenses, and goals. Keeping money talks regular helps prevent resentment from building up.
- Stay curious, and try not to get defensive. Ask how your partner feels about debt, saving, or spending — and listen without judgment.
- Focus on shared goals. Whether it’s paying off debt, funding college, or retiring early, identify what matters most to both of you and create a plan together to make it happen. When both partners feel ownership over the goals, you’ll feel more connected.
- Agree on boundaries. Set a limit for how much each partner can spend before it should become a joint conversation. Depending on your income, that might be $10, $50 or $100.
- Revisit and revise your financial plan over time. Life changes — you might change jobs, have children, or just change your priorities — so the budget will need to evolve, too.
- If you’re struggling, consider adding a neutral third party to the conversations. A couples counselor or financial counselor can help de-escalate blame and rebuild communication patterns that keep money talks productive.
At the end of the day, it’s not you versus your partner. It’s you and your partner versus the problem. When both people see money as a shared responsibility instead of a source of blame, it becomes easier to turn financial stress into teamwork — and that’s true whether you have one child or 11.
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Article sources
We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.
The Ramsey Show Highlights/YouTube (1); American Psychological Association (2); Kansas State University (3); CNBC (4)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.