Relationship patterns in the U.S. are changing. As of 2023, 9.1% of the population was cohabiting without being married, up from only 3.7% in 1996. With more unmarried couples opting to have children and buy homes together, those living in these types of partnerships should be aware that, while values have changed, the law in many cases has not kept up with the times.
Consider this scenario: You’re 29 years old, planning to buy your dream home with your partner. You’ve been living together for several years, and have a child together. While they have been saving up for a down payment, you have been doing most of the childcare, and diligently paying off your student loans to reduce your overall debt load in the relationship. You’ve found a house you love, but then your partner drops the bombshell: They believe that since they’re the one putting the upfront payment on the house, only their name should be on the deed. They still expect you to split the mortgage 50/50. What should you do?
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Property laws in the U.S.
Your rights as part of an unmarried couple will vary depending on which state in the country you call home. While many states recognize common law marriage, the rules around property in these unions vary.
For example, in states that recognize common law marriages to some extent, the fact that you have cohabited for several years and demonstrated the capacity and intent to marry by getting engaged would make you common law spouses. This would give you the right to make a legal claim on the property in the event of a break-up, or the death of your fiancé. You would also have the right to file for divorce.
Even if you live in a state like California that does not recognize common law unions, the fact that you share a child, equally contribute to living expenses, and are engaged would give you a strong legal case to make a claim on the home even if your name was not on the deed. However, you should know that suing your former spouse could be a lengthy and expensive process in court.
For most couples that share children and have been cohabiting for years, marriage is still the best way to protect each partner’s legal rights in the event of the relationship ending, and also in the event of the death of either party.
If you are considering buying a house together or significantly contributing to mortgage payments and other living expenses, it’s a bad sign if your partner is looking for ways to block your claim to ownership of the property, especially if it is your primary or only residence. In the scenario outlined above, this is a major indicator that your partner is not financially trustworthy.
Also, while the childcare you’ve provided isn’t paid work in the traditional sense, it does hold value, and this should be acknowledged in the partnership. While you hypothetically could have gone back to work to earn a traditional paycheck, you then might have had to find paid childcare.
Advice for new couples
For couples who intend to cohabitate or have not established a common law marriage but will be sharing the cost of a mortgage, it’s essential that both names appear on the deed to the home. If this is not possible, you can opt to sign a cohabitation agreement that outlines the division of your property if you choose to part.
Before you enter into any major purchases with your partner, be clear on your rights. As an unmarried person, your partner’s finances and property remain theirs, even if they buy a home while you’re together, and you contribute significantly to the cost. And if you have any doubts about your partner’s intentions or the financial repercussions for you if the relationship ends, don’t contribute to the mortgage or down payment.
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Financial abuse
A partner who is trying to block you from exercising your legitimate claim to the home you share or plan to share may be showing early signs of abusive tendencies. Financial abuse is a control tactic where an abuser will intentionally manipulate or control a victim’s access to money, their financial autonomy, withhold financial information that affects the victim, or block them from accessing any financial advice, products or property that would give them freedom to leave the relationship. The National Network to End Domestic Violence says that financial abuse happens in 99% of domestic abuse cases.
In the case of the couple who has cohabited for several years and share a child, one partner attempting to block the other from property rights that would normally be theirs in a marriage is definitely a flag. Regardless of the reasons, unmarried couples are best advised to have clear legal agreements about major joint property, and to maintain separate bank accounts so that neither partner will be left without an emergency fund if the relationship ends.
Financial self-care
Whether you’re married, common-law, or in a partnership, maintaining a separate emergency fund is an important step to safeguard yourself, especially if you’re a woman. Studies show that the gender pay gap persists, with white women earning 83% of what men earned in 2022, and the gap increasing for women of color. In the case of a stay-at-home mom, leaving the workforce to be a caregiver is a significant financial pitfall, costing women $150,000 in wages on average.
Contributing three to six months of expenses to an emergency fund can help get you on your feet quickly if you need to leave your relationship for any reason. You can open a high yield savings account separate from any joint accounts you hold with your partner, and set a budget for monthly contributions.
In the case of our example couple, it may be advisable to seek financial counselling to help outline their money goals in the relationship and future marriage. A couples therapist may also help to unravel the miscommunication and mismatched expectations for their future — financial or otherwise.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
